“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.”
~Denis Waitley
Have you ever been in a moment and thought to yourself:
How did I get here?
What in the hell am I doing?
Is this really me?
If you’re anything like me {human!}, then you’re probably thinking yes.
I’ve had my share of these opportunities for growth over the years and I had another one this past week.
Not a proud moment, but definitely a turning point and an incredible opportunity to learn {yet again!} to embrace my humanity.
Here’s the story…
Part 1: Failing
I was communicating with my elder daughter about self care practices {and growing more and more frustrated about having to repeat myself so often}, when I lost it.
My temper that is.
I blew up at her and I was absolutely NOT the mama I endeavor to be.
Not even close.
Our interaction was wrought with anger, frustration, and out of control chaos.
When I finally walked away to cool down, I felt like the biggest failure you could imagine.
How can I possibly be at this point in my life and still be wrecked by out of control emotion and angry outbursts?
For a while I berated myself…what’s wrong with you? How could you want so much to parent peacefully and still screw up like this? Why can’t you figure it out?
I felt horrible to say the least. And I know my girl did, too.
Ah! Nobody told me this parenting thing could be so damn challenging.
Truly, being a mama is the most beautiful challenge of this life.
They say that the early years are the hardest, and in some ways, I agree. The physical energy required and the sleep depravation combine for some pretty intense times.
And yet, to me, it feels like it’s the parenting of a child coming into her own, embracing her autonomy, navigating her journey into BEing exactly who she is…that’s the real challenge.
Part 2: Reflecting
So, the way I tend to deal with drama in my life is to admit defeat, express my utter failure to a few of my closest, and then begin seeking solutions.
I am eternal optimist {I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now, eh?} and I trust that all really is well. So I look at this experience, this perceived chaos, as an opportunity for growth.
I reframe the struggle as a turning point. And instead of berating myself for failing, I cultivate compassion and surrender to the truth that I am human.
I make mistakes. I fail. I lose my cool.
And, guess what? I am lovable not in spite of this, but because of it.
I am worthy of love, of joy, of peace in my heart…no matter what.
A dear friend of mine whose world view I totally appreciate and respect reminded me that the truth is human beings are jerks sometimes. We fuck up. It doesn’t mean we don’t love ‘em when they do, it just means it’s part of the package…the good and the bad.
And I absolutely agree.
Her words were auspiciously timed as I had just been reading a few days earlier in The Journey by Ram Dass {a lovely friend lent me this book full of brilliant wisdom…check it out if you haven’t yet!} about how meditation eventually inspires us to move beyond the duality of life and experience from a place of all encompassing understanding, of pure awareness.
Part 3: Growing
Realizing that I am not my anger, I am not my mistakes, I am not my failures, I can step back and observe my life with a perspective of compassion.
When we witness our lives in pure awareness, without judgment, attachment, or conditions, we can allow ourselves to release and move forward with more grace and ease.
So, I decided to let go of my guilt about the discord with my daughter.
I decided to forgive myself.
And to forgive her.
I chose to communicate with her heart to heart, loving and kind…the way I hope to as we move forward from here.
I learned the lesson of appreciating my perfectly imperfect self…again {how many times is it now?}.
Only in truly accepting myself will I ever be able to fully accept~and LOVE~anyone else.
I feel like the greatest lessons of my life repeat themselves as long as it takes for this thick headed woman to really integrate and implement them into my daily choices. {Can you relate?}
As I move forward, I continue to focus on being the woman and mama I hope to be.
I’m focused on being kind, breathing before I speak in anger, walking away when necessary, and taking moments to nurture myself so I can be more compassionate with the ones I love so much.
Part 4: Sharing
Sharing in community can be a powerful tool for transformation.
I know if you’re reading this, then you’re human, too. Maybe you’ve walked this path?
I’d love to hear from you:
How have you dealt with your feelings of failure?
What practices do you use to help you move forward with an open heart?
How have you infused your mistakes with more grace?
Share your insights in the comments below…open your heart and let go.
Wishing you awareness, compassion, and a grand perspective to move forward in love.
With Grace & Gratitude,
Denise
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