Am I the only one who feels challenged to be the person I want to be 100% of the time?
Sometimes I feel alone in my imperfection. Of course I can’t compare with the images and versions of other people’s lives I see on social media, but still I wonder why it often feels so damn hard to be my best self.
I feel like I’m the only one who’s having a hard time being the best mama I can be or being the best wife I can be or being the best daughter I can be or being the best friend I can be or being the best me I can be ~ just for myself.
There are so many things I feel need to be done each day that sometimes it can feel overwhelming just to handle the basics ~ self care, movement, studies, work, nurturing my babes, being present for my honey, staying connected with my family, being there for my soul sisters, being creative, getting into nature, taking time to rest, giving myself time to write, being still ~ that when a curve ball like a sick daughter or partner or an unexpected project deadline or any of a thousand urgent situations present themselves, it can feel like too damn much.
I’ve noticed that even in my fairly aware, focused, healthy, self loving care lifestyle, I am still in desperate need of more ease, more stillness, more relaxation, more slowing down.
Even though I’m not a coffee drinker, I still wake up every day ready to get shit done.
And the thing is, my mind is compelling me to handle this and handle that. And believe me, I do.
Shit gets done.
But there is a cost.
The cost of being so productive is losing opportunities for magic in the space between…that space of nothing to do, nowhere to be.
This is the space to experience wonder, joy, tiny miracles that remind us of the beauty of being alive.
This is where I want to be more often…in that space of wonder.
And so, I’m committing to slowing down.
I’m committing to asking for more support when I need it, and even when I don’t.
I’m committing to letting myself be still more often, even if I’m not sick or have no excuse for why it’s okay for me to rest.
I’m committing to holding space in my mind and my schedule for less doing and more being, even if it feels like I’m failing at handling everything I have told myself I should.
I’m committing to refocusing my mind to slow down, to let it be enough, to honor and value the experience of stillness, of not doing, of being here and now.
Even in my lifestyle, without school schedules or working away from home, I have still been caught up too often in the race to accomplish, to complete, to achieve.
Maybe it’s part of me or maybe it’s part of living where I do or maybe it’s part of everything. Who am I to say?
I just know that this achievement focused mindset has its purpose to help me do what I want to do, but it also has its downside that prevents me from sometimes being who I want to be.
A peaceful, present, relaxed, trusting, loving me.
So I’m committing to allowing more space for grace in my life, more time for nothing, more honoring of rest and quiet and stillness and all of the things that may feel unproductive, but that actually fuel my highest inspiration and make me feel good.
Cuddles with my girls. Slow walks hand in hand with my love. Sky gazing on my balcony. A long savasana. Hot baths just because. Sipping tea with a friend. Visiting my mama and sharing stories. Playing with my daughters. Writing my thanks and my thoughts. Wondering. Listening. Exploring. Being.
This is where Love is for me.
Maybe slowing down won’t help me be the person I want to be 100% of the time, but I know that being softer, more gentle with myself and with my loves will definitely give me space to be more gracious and kind more of the time…and this, I believe, is enough.